After 15 years of marriage, I forget how to get out
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I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical prostitute (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I have had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I learned a thing or two about the bedroom navigation issues (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sexual questions with in-depth, concrete advice that goes beyond just ‘communicating with your partner’, because you already know it. Ask me anything â literally, anything â and I’ll be happy to do it.
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Dear Sexplain It,
I just came out of a 15 year marriage where our sex lives were very much on autopilot. Now that I’m single and dating again, I completely forgot how to take the first step. I recently met a woman on Hinge, and after our first dinner, I should have kissed her when I said goodbye to her. I didn’t, and it was clearly embarrassing.
I have another date with this woman coming up, and I would love to kiss her (and sleep with her at some point too). I feel so “out of the game”. The thought of just kissing another woman is scary. The idea of ââhaving sex? Even more distressing. Please advise.
Dear new bachelor,
First of all, be indulgent with yourself. If you were extremely confident and had a “game” on your first date after being monogamously married for 15 years, you wouldn’t be human. You would be a sensitive dating robot. You can and should feel nervous when going on a date, and you are going to make mistakes. There will be missed opportunities, he said, and unexploited kisses.
Plus, don’t forget the good news: Obviously, you didn’t screw up this badly (or really, not at all) because she agreed to have a second date with you.
I don’t know if you expressed this on your first date, but I would say you’re nervous. While the thought of being honest with your partner about your anxiety might seem scary, you would be surprised at how comfortable it can make you. Say something like, “I want to be honest with you: it’s been a long time since I’ve had a date with anyone other than my ex-wife, so I’m feeling a little nervous and excited. on this subject. ”
Who knows? She might also be a little anxious, and it would help her to learn that she is not alone. Talking about your shared nervousness can be a form of intimacy that connects you and brings you closer.
Now on to your kissing conundrum. I know you are also worried about how to initiate sexual contact, and I think the key is to create intimacy before or during the date so that there is less pressure on the all-important kiss. When I showed your question to the sex educator Francisco RamÃrez, MPH, he suggested redesigning the way you think about âfirst stepsâ. This will not only help put less pressure on a single action, but it will also make the first kiss less harsh.
“Do not consider ‘the first step’ as fair kiss someone, âRamirez says. Instead, consider that all of your intimate words and actions can be part of how you initiate and express closeness and desire for another person, whether it is patting someone on the shoulder. , to hold her hand, to give someone a genuine compliment. “You will see, then, that in many ways you are probably already doing a lot of ‘first moves’ with each other and hopefully feeling less pressure built up around a first kiss,” he says. .
Ramirez also suggests being more outspoken, or even just hinting at your interests at other times, not just when you’re about to split up. âCommunicating your interests (whether subtly or directly) before, during, or even after a date can help you feel more comfortable being more daring and sharing your desires,â he says. âIt will also help you gauge the other person’s interests and reactions, because of course we always want to make sure that we are paying attention to our partner’s cues as well. ”
Ask yourself, “Is there anything I could respectfully text this person today, right now that feels a little bolder to me and warms me to being more direct?” on my interests?
Maybe you text her, “So excited for dinner on Saturday!” If you’re depressed, it would be fun to come back to my house afterwards. If that sounds too aggressive, you could say, âI’m really excited for our date on Saturday. I look forward to getting to know you better.
Newly single, you get it. You just need to embrace and get your nervousness under control. Not to be that person who says there are a lot of fish in the sea (because the sea is also filled with obscene amounts of garbage), but she is the first woman you had a date with in 15 years old. If things don’t work out there will be other women, and with every woman you date you will be a little more comfortable.
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