I’m Zachary Zane, a sex writer and ethical man (a fancy way of saying I sleep with a lot of people, and I’m very, very open about it). Over the years, I’ve had my fair share of sexual experiences, dating and sleeping with hundreds of people of all genders and orientations. In doing so, I learned a thing or two about navigation issues in the bedroom (and a bunch of other places, TBH). I’m here to answer your most pressing sexual questions with in-depth, practical advice that goes beyond just “communicating with your partner” because you already know that. Ask me anything – literally, anything – and I’ll gladly do it.

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Dear Sexplain It,

I am 53 and BF is 47, I know he is no longer sexually attracted to me but loves me very much as his life companion. I know he would prefer girls in his 20s or 30s. When he served 22 years in the Navy, young women flocked to him. I understand that I am a comfortable sofa for him to spend the rest of his life. He also has Crohn’s disease and uses a colostomy bag.

We used to have amazing sex for hours, but since his Crohn’s diagnosis, we just stopped. I want to stay with him, I love him so much, but not having sex with him causes me so much anxiety and depression. He looks at younger women like I wish he still looked at me. I do not know what to do.

— I miss my man

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Dear Missing My Man,

It sounds like a really tough situation to be in, but I actually think there’s a clear way forward: our old friend, communication.

It sounds like you’re making a number of assumptions about what your boyfriend is thinking and feeling. Has he ever explicitly expressed a desire for younger women, or is that your anxiety talking? There are a lot of possible reasons behind your sexual rut, but I think it’s telling that things calmed down by the time his Crohn’s was diagnosed.

“A person with Crohn’s disease may experience abdominal pain, diarrhea, weight loss, anemia, and fatigue,” said Lee Phillips, Ed.D., psychotherapist and sex therapist and couples certified, specializing in chronic diseases. “Therefore, we need to be aware that these symptoms and medications can lead to low sexual desire. He may also experience an arousal problem due to physical discomfort.”

There could also be emotional factors behind his sexual aversion. “He now has a sac where all of his fecal matter comes out on his abdomen, and that’s embarrassing to a lot of people,” says Carlton Thomas, MD, a board-certified gastroenterologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic. “It can be humiliating and emasculating, so a lot of people lose their desire to have sex.”

Plus, your boyfriend was in the Navy for over two decades, where much of his self-esteem surely came from his physical prowess; now he is struggling with a chronic illness. He may feel confused, depressed or even mired in an identity crisis.

You won’t know the truth or be able to find a solution unless you ask her. Tell her what you’ve observed about your sex life. You can say something like, “I noticed we stopped having sex when you were diagnosed, and I miss it!” Our sex life was great and I would love to get it back. be open to exploring ways to have more sex? »

You can’t push your husband to have more sex if he feels too sick to do it, but it’s worth exploring other ways to make you feel sexy, wanted, and less like a “couch.” . No one should feel like a piece of furniture! He can tell you how beautiful you are, how much he likes you, and how much he loves you. He can cuddle you on the sofa, hold your hand when you walk together, etc. and reevaluate.)

If he is as far as trying more things in the bedroom, there are ways to do that while being mindful of your Crohn’s disease concerns. Thomas suggests your boyfriend might like to keep a shirt on during sex: “He might have an ostomy belt over it. [his bag], loose enough so things won’t fall over, but enough to cover it. If he was wearing a shirt over the filing cabinet, you’d have no idea he’s even there!”

As for him noticing other attractive women? It’s natural, and that doesn’t mean that he would prefer these young women to you! Unless you have concrete evidence that your boyfriend is actually lusting after a 23 year old, I think you can put that anxiety to bed. Instead, focus on and process the evidence you have that his libido plummeted after receiving a life-changing diagnosis.

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