THE MOST OF we grew up believing that a monogamous marriage was #relationshipgoals. But with Will Smith owning his relationship open and a band appearing on House Hunters, a growing number of people are wondering if strict exclusivity is human nature or if it’s yet another myth that the company is sneaking around on us.

Ethical non-monogamy, or ENM, in which members of a couple consent to having additional sexual and / or romantic partners, is growing in popularity. More than a fifth of single American adults have engaged in ENM, according to a recent study from the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, and a 2017 study in The Journal of Sex Research found that Google searches for the terms “polyamory.” and “open relationships”. increased steadily from January 2006 to December 2015. In a 2021 YouGov poll, about 25% of over 23,000 Americans said they were interested in an open relationship.

“Social stigma around alternative sexualities has slowly but steadily diminished over the past decade, with media portraying more positive than ever,” says Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., who teaches human sexuality at the University of New York. York and is organizing a course and an event. series on open relationships. In addition, ENM becomes easier to achieve: “Dating applications make it easier than ever to find multiple partners”, she adds. “Honesty and consent became more important to us after #MeToo. And the pandemic has forced so many of us into a period of extreme monotony, which has exposed the limits of monogamy to many couples. “

There are tons of ways to practice non-monogamy, ranging from a casual sex party to multiple committed life partners. Those who have never tried things like this sometimes assume that these arrangements are doomed to fail, but this is no more true for ENM relationships than it is for traditional ones, explains Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., Researcher at the Kinsey Institute and Member of the Men’s Health Advisory Committee: “What the research shows is that people in consensual monogamous and non-monogamous relationships have similar levels of relationship satisfaction and engagement. “

Nonetheless, NHS requires self-reflection, communication, flexibility, and compassion, the same skills that go into any successful relationship, monogamous or not. Here’s how couples make the ENM work and how newbies can explore it too.

Polyamour (and Thruples)

PEOPLE WHO are polyamorous have several romantic and intimate relationships at the same time. Some have additional partners outside of their primary relationship; others are in throuples, quads, or larger relational units, which are relationships involving three, four or more people.

Charles, a 56-year-old queer man who works as a chef, and his wife, Brooke, a 35-year-old queer woman who makes a living as a bartender, have been polyamorous from the start. Most of their external relationships involve more than sex. They will each go on dates, and even weekend trips, with other people, sometimes all three together. They hope to find a third permanent partner to live with them. (FYI for those looking for threesome relationships: Lehmiller recommends checking out the Feeld app, which is designed for unconventional arrangements like this.)

While some non-monogamous partners get the other’s permission before allowing themselves to explore new relationships at will. “For us, the whole goal of non-monogamy is individuality, autonomy, [and] expressing, giving and receiving our own love and affection in different ways and with different people, ”says Charles.

Sometimes they get jealous, especially when one of them spends a lot of time with another partner. If jealousy arises, Lehmiller suggests asking yourself, “Why do you feel jealous?” Is there anything that could be done to resolve these feelings? What do you need to be safe? Then talk to your partner. There were times when Charles stopped seeing people because they weren’t respectful to Brooke, but generally the two put their jealousy aside to prioritize each other’s happiness.

“We like to see each other loved,” says Charles. “She just said to me, ‘You deserve to have your dick sucked 24/7. If for some reason I’m not available there should be someone to take care of it. for you. And we both think of it that way. Marriage is a team sport, after all.

Open relationships

“OPEN RELATIONSHIP” is a general term for couples who want to see other people separately, but tend to keep those relationships primarily sexual.

During a 2018 road trip, Nicole, a 39-year-old artist, told her husband, Brian, a 44-year-old pansexual man who works as a community leader for a tech company, that she was asexual. (Asexual people have little or no desire for sexual activity.) Libido differences have always been a struggle, so they considered ENM as a possible solution. Brian pursues romantic and sexual relationships with other people, and Nicole also has dates with others, although she is looking for companionship. For the record, non-monogamy isn’t the only solution for incompatible sex drives, says Lehmiller. There are other ways to increase the satisfaction of your bedroom, such as sex therapy.

JOCHEN SCHIEVINK

When friends, family and co-workers heard that Brian and Nicole were spending time with other people, they first suspected the infidelity. To avoid constantly having to explain himself, Brian wrote a blog post about their ENM arrangement.

“One of the first places I ‘released’ this was at work, so I didn’t have to constantly be careful about what I said to others,” he says. “If people think you are a cheater it can have a direct effect on your career.”

“Radically open communication,” as Brian says, is essential for an open relationship to work. In order to maintain trust, explains Lehmiller, “it is important to establish an agreement that specifies ground rules and boundaries, and to recognize that the rules may need to be renegotiated over time. It can be difficult to figure out all the rules in advance if you are completely new to this area.

Brian and Nicole consult and ask how their arrangement is working for them. Whenever Brian gets involved with someone new, he asks Nicole what she wants to know. It is also important to them that all other partners know about their marriage, so that they understand what they are getting into. Brian says, “Confidence is that there is nothing to hide.

Swinging

THE EXCHANGERS ARE people who have sex with others, usually with their partner.

When Maegan, a 38-year-old bisexual housewife, and Jason, a 44-year-old straight carpenter and designer, first considered rocking, they realized they each had a “desire to see the other.” lost in pleasure. with another person, ”Maegan recalls. They began to explore situations such as having threesomes with other men, playing with another couple, and letting Maegan play alone with women.

Soon after they started exploring, Jason was seriously injured in an accident, and ENM became a way for Maegan to meet his needs when he wasn’t up for sex. He sometimes feels insecure that others are giving him something he can’t, but he remembers how much he enjoys seeing her enjoy dating other people, an experience known as “squeeze”.

JOCHEN SCHIEVINK

“When your partner is happy with someone else but always comes back to you, it can be very empowering,” says Lehmiller. “It can be reassuring that you are providing something that no one else is doing. At the same time, it can also be a relief – it takes some of the pressure off of being anything and everything for one person.

Maegan’s favorite part of the swinger lifestyle “is seeing the look on my husband’s face when I’m ecstatic with another person,” she says. “And then reuniting afterwards and never feeling closer or more in love. It’s the best thing. It’s the best thing.

BEFORE YOU discuss with your ENM partner, it is important to have one with yourself, says Lehmiller: Ask ‘what do you want and need, and what kinds of rules and limits are important to you ”. Once you know the answers, ask your partner the same questions.

If everyone is on board, take baby steps. Instead of going for an orgy, find a third person on a dating app, take them out to dinner, and see how you get along. After each experiment, discuss what works (and what doesn’t). “Any form of [ENM] It takes a little practice to get it right, “Lehmiller says,” and a lot of communication for everyone involved. “

This story appears in the December 2021 issue of Men’s health.

This content is created and maintained by a third party, and uploaded to this page to help users provide their email addresses. You may be able to find more information about this and other similar content on piano.io